For months now, I have wanted
to sit down and write out what all I went through with my partial knee
replacement. I believe looking back makes me push harder now. I don't ever want to go back to where I was, and I am SO GRATEFUL at God's restoration abilities. To say that
this ordeal has been nothing short of a miracle is unjust. I have never understood why God gave me such
a terrible knee, why it took away a lot of the active lifestyle I loved and
honestly I often had a “why me?” attitude. I’m going to walk you through my
history, briefly, then fill you in on when God REALLY opened my eyes.
When I was 18yrs old, I
had some knee pain that was pretty persistent.
At the time, I thought it was the most painful thing ever…I was 18, what
did I know!? Since then I have met much harsher pain, including the birth of my
two children. Anyway, I had an orthoscopic (tiny incisions) meniscus repair. I
remember thinking it was SUCH A SERIOUS procedure. Since my meniscus was so torn it had to be
cut out instead of reshaped. I went back to my normal intramurals sports and
felt relief for a while; but it was never quite right. To be honest, I have
regret that surgery ever since. However, I
didn’t know better, and like I said, it was the most pain I had ever felt, I
would probably do it again if I went back in time.
Fast forward a few
years later, one month after Brandon and I got married, at the age of 25 I had
scheduled surgery #2. I was having a more invasive orthoscopic surgery called a
Lateral Release. Essentially, they cut my ligaments and moved my knee cap over
toward the middle of my knee. After this
surgery Brandon was told I was “a medical liability’, I would need my knee
“scoped” every 4yrs or so do have bone debris removed and my lack of cartilage
aged my knee around 90yrs old. I was given restrictions not to run, lunge, walk
stairs, squat, kneel and more. I was upset but I knew if it prevented the pain
I had prior to this surgery, I would learn to live without those abilities. My
once active lifestyle got more painful or nonexistent depending on my mood.
So, that brings us to
surgery #3, the partial knee replacement. After a MRI revealed a few more
issues and a lot of debris, I was sent to a local orthopedic surgeon, whom I would later come to admire A LOT, Dr. George Zimmerman. "Dr. Z"
presented me with my surgical options and I couldn’t do anything but cry. I
knew surgery was in my future but I really thought I could hold out 10-20 more
years…I’m only 30; this surgery is for old people! Brandon was with me, so he
was able to speak on my behalf and we went home to discuss and pray about it.
We immediately knew that the first option, which had me in a cast for 6 months,
was not going to happen, so that left us with the partial knee replacement.
Now, the question was “when?” With our uncertainty of whether we were staying
in the Army another year, or not, hanging in the balance we decided “now.” We scheduled the surgery for July 26 and VERY
anxiously waited for that day. I honestly had no idea what to expect. We were
told it was a 4hr surgery with a 4-6wk recovery. However, the Lord must have
felt I needed a little more humility than 4-6wks would offer me.
BEFORE
Game Face, let’s do this!
When you think you are
at the most painful state of an injury, just wait! Post-surgery was BY FAR the
most painful time of my life. I spent 2 days in the hospital, doped up on all
kinds of drugs and I immediately felt when they wore off. Through issues with
the nursing staff, I was off them for 45min one night, and spent that time
crying, shaking and screaming. My dear, sweet, 65yr old roommate (who had a
full replacement) was constantly calling the nursing desk for me. I won’t
forget those 45min and my deep and sincere love of medicine for as long as I
live. In my time there, I was having physical therapy (PT) sessions which
included a lot of knee bending, to get my range of motion back (ROM), as well
as walking the hallway to regain strength.
I had to hit 90 in my ROM (full ROM is 120), so my therapist at the time
shoved my knee back to hit it and I about shot out of my skin. It hurt so bad!
I screamed, cried and probably cursed. I did it, I did it! I was so glad I was
going to be released and I prayed that my next PT wouldn’t DARE try to make me
hit 90…it was too painful.
Blood
Drain and wrap, I had no idea what was under there.
On a side note, I want
to send a shout out to Dr. Z. I met with him a few times while in the hospital
and I remember him saying something along the lines of “I really didn’t want to
do a partial replacement on you, since you’re so young, but once I got in there
I knew you had no other option.” I found such comfort in knowing that even if
he was already in there, he would have sewn me up and sent me home if he didn’t
see it was a necessary surgery. I honestly found that very comforting because
that is great humility; which is an attribute I don’t often associate with
surgeons.
Finally my release day
came! I had to have the bandages changed and the blood drain removed. I was
nervous about seeing my new knee; I really had no idea what to expect. Well, it
looked like…a zipper. I was totally grossed out, probably cried again (I can’t
remember exactly, but I did that a lot in this process.) I was sent home with a
walker, yes a geezer glider, a CPM (torture chamber) that physically bent my knee for me and a
prescription to home therapy in a couple day.
The Zipper
(sorry it’s kinda
graphic, scroll fast if you need to!)
The
geezer glider
“The first 3 weeks are crucial” are 6 IMPORTANT
words I wish I had heard before all of this and the advice I give to anyone who
tells me they’re considering any type of knee replacement. I was given a very sweet PT
who tried to push me but she just wasn’t as hard on me as I needed. When she
said “pull until it hurts” I did, but I need was someone to say “pull until it
hurts and then I will push it more.” I
worked hard in the “torture chamber“ bending my knee constantly but that is NOT
enough…there is SO MUCH more to this process, and I was missing that. I had PT
twice a week, in which I had to call on family and friends to drive me, watch
my kids, and truly support me. I was so humbled by asking people to put my leg
in the car for me, drive me, and care for my children. Everything I once did for
myself was assisted. I felt helpless, worthless and low. I am normally a proud
and strong woman so this was all SO MUCH for me to deal with. I helped others,
I didn’t need anyone else’s help, I could do it…but now, I couldn’t and that
was horribly hard to come to grips with. I couldn’t take care of my family; I
couldn’t take care of myself. As simple as it seems now, I think I was most
humiliated when I had to ask people to put my leg in the car for me. I would
find ways to scoot it up the door frame just to not have to ask. I hated
swallowing that humility pill. I am a grown woman and I can’t even lift my leg
up (funny thing is, this was a problem God chose to continue to mold me as he
kept my quad inactive for 3 more months after this.)
”Torture
Chamber”
Zipper"
New bandages
Due to my total
misunderstanding of what to do, what was expected and lack of PT pushing, scar
tissue locked my leg in a 45 degree position, making it impossible to bend.
This lock up meant I was heading back on the surgery table. Dr. Z, Brandon and I had a “come to Jesus”
discussion and it absolutely devastated me. I was now scheduling a manipulation
and would be heading back on the table in two weeks, which put me at
mid-September. I didn’t want to go back
on the table, I didn’t know how I could/would do anything different, it already
hurt so bad…this was a big mistake. How could I continue to exhaust my family
and friends?! I wanted to take it back, deal with my initial pain and move on.
What had I done!?
Through the next couple
of weeks I had to solely rely on God. As much as my friends and family tried to
help, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I could not imagine the
strain that another surgery would put on my mental and physical state. I had
worked as hard as I could, or so I thought, and I had no idea how I was going
to get through this. I was truly in the pit of despair. Through my time with
HIM, family and friends, the Lord gave me such comfort and strength in the
following verses:
-
“The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, wand with my
song I praise him.” Psalm 28:7
-
“I love you, Lord, my strength.” Psalm
18:1
-
“The Lord will guide you always; he will
satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You
will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”
Isaiah 58:11
-
“And my God will meet your needs
according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19
After
a nice trip to the beach with my whole family, and meeting God in the sunrises,
it was time to head back to Columbus for the manipulation. It was over as fast
as it started. Pre-op was over 1hr long and by the time Brandon got to the
waiting room, and began to text “she just went back” Dr. Z interrupted him,
said “I’m done, got her to 160 degrees…snap, crackle, pop.” I met Brandon in the recovery room and was READY
TO GO!! I felt great and could bed my knee at 90 degrees NO PROBLEM! It was
awesome! I had a PT come in, do two exercise and leave. I was not happy with
that. I had a femoral nerve block for 48hrs and I intended to get my time in!
So, I Skyped my PT friend, Ashley, and did a home session. I was not going to
fall behind again. I remember coming home from PT, calling Ashley with an
update and meeting her on Skype for an extra session. It never seemed like
enough and I REFUSED to slip behind again! THANKS ASHLEY!
My
awesome bend post manipulation
This
time, Dr. Z referred me to his longtime coworker, JB. JB has, through this
process, come to mean the world to me. This woman pushed me more than I ever
knew possible. When I said “STOP, I’m done” she said “no you’re not, do 5
more.” I yelled, cried, and cursed at this woman but she never gave up. She had
an intern, following her during this whole process and I was pretty sure I was
scarring him. Poor guy had to hold me down while JB shoved my leg this way and
that…it literally took a whole team to bend this leg and I am SO GRATEFUL for
each member. I would tense up, cry and
scream before the ROM started, so JB recommended an anxiety pill to take
prior to therapy. Again, another humility pill (literally.) Not only could I
not do this physically, I couldn’t even handle this emotionally/mentally! The highs and lows of this journey were taking a toll on but and as much as I hate medical assistance, in the pill form, I knew it was necessary. JB, Bailey, Leigh, Joel…you guys rock, THANK YOU for pushing me beyond my limits, treating me like a person and not just a injury and knowing what I needed to succeed.
I
praise the Lord for my amazingly supportive PT’s but also for my husband, who
helped me with my exercises, encouraged me, cared for our kids, continued working and truly nursed me back and beyond my old
self!
My
Loving and supportive husband
(he even added that snazzy basket on my walker.)
I started going to therapy every day for 2
weeks. I was slowly weaned to 3 days a week, eventually to 2 days and then once
a week! Oh man, I knew I was making progress when they only wanted to see me
once a week! Each therapy session revealed new exercises and challenges, some
days I showed up with my game face on and other days I just wanted to crawl
into a hole and hide. Through these meetings, I slowly regained the abilities
that had once been taken away from me. I was lunging, squatting, walking on
stairs, and jumping WITHOUT PAIN! I couldn’t believe it. I honestly never
thought these would be a reality for me, this side of heaven. Then, the big day
came JB said “we’re going outside to try running.” I said “running?! Are you kidding? I
can’t do that.” Well, I wasn’t exactly WRONG; I had totally forgotten how to
run. I looked a little like Phoebe on Friends when she and Rachel went running
in the park. We dubbed it “run(ish.)” Due to my quad muscle still being
inactive I didn’t trust my knee and that’s something JB also taught me to do. My
knee was pretty much useless before this, I overcompensated ALL THE TIME, and
found it VERY difficult to trust it again. You mean it will actually hold me
up? I’m not going to fall? It’s not going to hurt? I had to do a total mental
override in this process. I had believed in my knee's inability for so long that
it was hard to reverse those ideas.
I’m
not updating this letter almost 1yr post-surgery and praising God for second
chances. Since my surgery and proper
rehab I can honestly say I am a better ME! I pray that I am ALWAYS overwhelmed by the grace given to
me in the restoration of my knee. What an unbelievable feeling to re-learn so many
of my past passions and take on new ones. Over the past year I have completed a 5K, a Mud Run & relearned jumping, surfing, water
skiing, solemn skiing, and more! Although it was a bumpy
ride to get here, The Lord is so gracious and loving and I am proud that HE
used me to show HIS glory.
Me and my family were so well taken care of during this time by the most supportive family a girl could ask for! Aside from our sweet families jumping in, it literally took a church and the Army (friends) to restore me and I am so grateful to the many friends who helped me. THANK
YOU ALL!
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